Saturday, May 31, 2008

The Story of BlackMon: Part 3--The Longest Walk Home



So yea I know I left you guys in a cliff hanger for over a month with the BlackMon series but here goes:

Yes, my period was 2 weeks late. I remember I was due to come on the 13th and when the 20th hit I was terrified. Checking myself in the mirror every 2 minutes, standing on the scale every chance I got. I was (and still am) a good 115lbs soaking wet so I pretty much notice any change in body. My breasts didn't seem to be getting bigger but I was never this late. I picked up the phone to call BlackMon and tell him my period still hadn't come on..it slipped out of my hands I was so nervous. BlackMon's older brother picked up and told me he had gotten locked up. What the hell?! How the hell was I going to take care of a baby on my own. Live? How do I tell my mom? What about college? My future.is.over. All these thoughts running through my head like a marathon. I told him to have BlackMon call me and he did later that day. I forget why he was locked up but it was something small. He asked me if i'd taken a pregnancy test.

"No....not yet..."
"Well, what are you waiting for?..Go to Eckerd"

I go. This was my first pregnancy scare and not knowing the tests were in the pussy aisle (yes I call it pussy aisle) I asked the pharmacist for one. How embarrassing. I got the EPT with 2 in the pack and walked the longest walk home i've ever walked.

My mom wasn't home. Thank goodness because I cried the entire day. You see, Me and mom are close. So close that I told her the day after I lost my virginity. The moment she asked me why I was crying I would've opened up and told her. She didn't need that stress. Anyway, I decided to pee in the cup and dip to be sure I didn't pee over 5 seconds. The control line showed up and there was no line in the bigger window. After reading the directions for the 979839473947th time I came to the conclusion I wasn't pregnant.

I figured i'd wait a few days to take the 2nd test. To avoid getting my head knocked off next month by mom dukes I decided not to take anymore of BlackMon's collect calls. The 2nd test also came out negative. I was so relieved. We were both young and stupid and a baby would only make us more stupid. BlackMon got out a few weeks later and stopped coming around as much. He tried to say that he would've been happy if I was pregnant but I wasn't convinced. I never even told my mom. I just took it as a lesson from God that I needed to slow down. He gave me a second chance. My period came on the following week and boy did it come on heavy. I was in bed for 3 days. To this day i'm not sure if it was a miscarriage or if I was just late. I'll never know.

Yea I know, sort of anti-climatic but trust me this story is faaaarrrrr from over.

CHILE PLEASE-- Just because the lesson was taught doesn't mean we learn it.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Letting go.



5/19/07 Today is the day exactly 1 year ago that I met SexyJamaican.
5/19/08 Today...is the day that I found out he is getting married.

No this isn't a desperate exaggeration or ploy for attention. I'm not making money off this blog. Hell, i'm not even sure if people read this stuff. My life is just weird like that :/

I found out earlier today and I don't really know how to feel about it. At first I was hurt, then I was sad, then--anger. Over the past few week's i've been doing better and I haven't talked to him since he hung up last month. I must admit I sent him a text message after my last final telling him how I hated how things ended between us. That was just something I needed to do in order feel some sort of closure from my end. He never replied.

Should I be angry? I felt like a vice was squeezing my heart but I didn't cry. I can't. I won't. At this point I think i'm numb to all the pain i've been through. My life has been so full of disappointment that tears seem laughable at this point.

Later, I went to the movies earlier w/his brother (my best friend), we'll call him Teddy. We saw Iron Man (good ass movie! My mom saw it the day before as she NEVER goes to the movies lol) Anywho...I'm almost certain Teddy doesn't know about the so called "engagement" because he usually tells me a bunch of crap about SJ that i'd rather not hear. I didn't even mention SJ. I usually make some smart ass comment about him but tonight I just kept it all inside. Why ruin the evening right? Besides, it'll all come out--eventually. After we came out the theater I just so happened to look up at the sky and saw that it was a full moon. About an hour ago I realized this was the anniversary of the day we met.

CHILE PLEASE--"I'm sure stranger things have happened"

Sunday, May 18, 2008

A pretty girl like you..

How many times in the past few months have I heard a sentence of empathy starting with those words..

A pretty girl like you:

Shouldn't be worrying about that...
Shouldn't be lonely
Should be out somewhere having fun
Should never be treated like that..
Shouldn't be crying.

I'm sick of hearing it. Not because it's not true, but because there's so much more to me than being "Pretty." If "Pretty" was the quintessential life standard we lived by i'd have a trillion dollars, live in a castle, and have random male movie stars at my disposal to demand sex from (starting with Morris Chestnutt! mmm!) But alas, it is not. Though it may seem the soap opera media makes it seem like all the pretty people have all the fun, make all the money, and have all the sex; it's just a facade.

Yes, I am an attractive young lady. But I am also, intelligent, caring, thoughtful, funny, and talented. I know we all tend to think highly of ourselves from time to time but if you're a level-headed person 9 times out of 10 it's true. And if YOU don't notice all those inward things about yourself (even the faults)..who the hell will?! Me...I'm the girl who gives too much of herself for those who give too little. But people don't walk up to you and compliment you on how "caring" you look today. I wish people would look deeper than the clothes I wear or the shoes I have on.

I really do.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Semester coming to a close



So I still haven't spoken to SexyJamaican. Not a phone call, nor text, nor bird at my window. Nathan. I stopped street stalking his page because the more I look at it the more it pisses me off. Shame on me for still having his number but you know how that goes..I'll delete it eventually. I just cannot believe the audacity of some people who blatantly go out their way to hurt your feelings after you've been nothing but good to them. God don't like ugly and at this point Flavor Flav is looking like Morris Chestnutt compared to SJ's cowardly ass. Yes, your Lovely One is on her "Ni**as Ain't Shit!" campaign." And don't hit me with that ole "Chante's got a man" sing song"cause ya girl ain't tryna hear it right now!! Maybe...possible...by some remote chance in some forgotten town there may be a good one out there but I guarantee he ain't worth nothing but piss. Besides ALL black women are allowed at least one "Ni**as Ain't Shit!" campaign throughout their love lifetime.

Moving on..The semester is coming to a close. I have my last lecture tomorrow and 2 finals after that. My male BFF is coming home from school (I didn't mention it before but he's SJ's brother) and i'm excited. He's like my big brother so I'm trying not to drag him into all that drama with SJ (granted I did called him to tell my side of the story). I just want to go out, have a drink (or 2 or 3 OR 4)..and dance the night away in my freakum dress. I deserve that much for all my hard work this semester.

Sometimes I think ppl have absolutely no idea what some students go through. It's hard out here for a pimpstress..I mean, I applied for some externships over the summer and my white classmates snatched them shits up like it was nothing(not that they didn't deserve it but Cmon..Some of them can't even spell 'externship'). Me..I get a call for one hospital I applied to and do you wanna know what the recruiter heffa told me: "We didn't offer you the position BUT we reallllly like your interview.." CHILE PLEASE! Why didn't you give me the job then?! They wanted to offer me a "Nurse Associate" position which is basically a Nurse Aide..Umm, no. I wanna get my foot in the door but they done slammed it on my big toe. Ms. Lovely has this little thing called "Pride" and she's not willing to settle for less than what she signed up for..I still have a few more hospitals i'm waiting to hear from so your girl will be A-Ok.

So that's all for now folks. I haven't forgot about the BLACKMON update..I just haven't gotten around to it :/

CHILE PLEASE- Still don't believe that Ni**as Ain't Sh*t? visit this hilarious (but true) site.