Friday, December 28, 2007

Getting to Know Ms.Lovely

I saw this over at MagnoliaPeach who saw it somewhere else and i'd figure it was a good way for you all to get an idea of moi, so here goes:

1. Name one person who made you laugh?
My homegirl, I asked her to pick up a sweet tea from McDonalds on her way over and she called it a "Nigga Brew" lmao

2. What were you doing at 8:00?
Getting off work

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Venting to my homegirl about SexyJamaican, I was kinda upset so she's on her way over now **plays Dionne Warwick-That's What Friends are For"**

4. What happened to you in 2006?
I can't even remember what I ate 2 days ago

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
Mmmm..this taste good. My mom is concocting up some fried turkey nuggets lol

6. How many beverages did you have today?
A bottle of orange soda and i'm very pissed because I left it at my job. I hate water..

7. What color is your hairbrush?

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
Orange soda, 2 cans of chunky soup, 2 bottles of engine oil and 4 laffy taffy's

9. Where were you last night?
Over my cousins watching MTV Real Life episodes. Then we watched this special on MSNBC about was interesting really..

10. What color is your front door?

11. Where do you keep your change?
In the change pocket of my wallet

12. What’s the weather like today?
Chilly. Annoying. I despise winter with a passion!

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Butter Pecan and Vanilla Bean

14. What excites you?
Payday, sex, taco bell, shoes shoes shoes, corvettes (my dream car)

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
No no no. My hair is a decent length. I reeeeally want a short bob so i'm going to do a sew-in myself and go to the salon to have them style it.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
No but people still think i'm a teenager. I just take it as a compliment :)

17. Do you talk a lot?
I'm a quiet person naturally. Now it usually depends on who i'm talking too.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
No. I have enough problems of my own than to watch rich people problems.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?

20. Do you make up your own words?
Yes all the time lol.

21. Are you a jealous person?
Aren't we all?

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter "M".
Don't have one..

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’.

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
My cousin

25. What does the last text message you received say?
Are you busy tonight?

26. Do you chew on your straw?
Yes..I have this nasty habit of picking at my gums with them. I know I know..disgusting

27. Do you have curly hair?
Nope, bone straight thanks to Cream of Nature and my great great grandmothers Cherokee blood lol

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
Sleep then work in the morning.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
Right now it's SexyJamaican..I would explain it but I don't want yall saying "I told you so.." I really should take my own advice.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
A turkey nugget my mom made.

31. Will you get married in the future?
Yes, I hope so...

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
I saw a bunch: I Am Legend, The Great Debaters, 300 (yes I just saw it lol)

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
My friend because she is coming over to listen to my vent and I know she'll make me feel better..

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
Before I left for work today. I really hate doing them and would normally throw them in the dishwasher but there was only a few..

35. Are you currently depressed?
Not depressed, just very very annoyed.

36. Did you cry today?
Last night. I don't cry much aymore but last night I broke down. I'm tired of doing for people who don't appreciate it..

37. Why did you answer and post this?
Because i'm bored and writing takes a lot of pressure off my chest..

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey.
I don't have that many blogger friends yet, and the ones I do have probably did them already..

Hopping out the woodwork

Ladies you ever get those periods where men are just hopping out the woodwork like roaches in the summer time when you turn off the lights? You go for months without so much as a phone call or text message from said forgotten male, then all of a sudden BAM! Two or three start texting and/or calling back to back like it's mating season on the Discovery Channel.

"What you doing?"
"Where you at?"
"When can I see you????"

Translation: "I want to have sex with you!"

My phone was blowing up Christmas Day for no good reason. But one in particular made me chuckle. I stopped communicating with a guy I dated briefly,TallNigerian, months ago for several reasons. He had stopped texting me too; and with me being in the clouded fog of SexyJamaican I never even noticed. Reasons being:

TN was a decent guy but just reeeeeally corny. And not like Carlton Banks corny; the man had ZERO personality yall. I don't know about you, but that is just a major turn off. On top of him being a cornball extraordinaire he was conceited. It was so bad I had to carry a diaper with me since he swore he was the shit. He also smoked weed; which OK, wasn't too bad because I used to smoke back in highschool BUT when you have to light up every time I see you, it's unattractive and really unnecessary cornball behavior. I also got the feeling he only liked me because I made him look good. He called me once to be in a video shoot for his 'homeboy' who was making a rap video. I politely declined. I only put up with him for that short period of time because he was a seemingly good guy: Had his own place, worked full-time along with a full-time school schedule. I admire tenacity and dedication but this also caused him to be extremely busy.

The sex: I had sex with him only twice. It wasn't bad bad; but it wasn't good either. He's 6'3" and i'm 5'5" so it was kinda awkward and he really did nothing to accommodate the mismatch. In essence he was stiff as a board and what I like to call a "bunny fucker." You know the type: Just pump pump pump. No fondling of the breastisis. No grinding. No affection. No nothing. I don't think it was intentional but I felt like he was almost scared to touch me; sorta like I intimidated him or something. I tried to teach him a little something but he wasn't too receptive. Blah!

So when I received his text message asking me how my Christmas was going I replied, and replied and replied again. He said he wanted me to come over. I stopped replying. This negro thought he was gonna get some Christmas booty! Ummmm. No. I haven't heard from you in how many months? And you want me to leave my quaint family gathering, waste my expensive ass gas to bring you a plate of candied yams and some pussy to top it off? Nigga.Please.

I'm so exasperated with the male species. All they want is The shit is boring and cumbersome and like I said a couple posts back, I am not playing myself anymore for a quick 20 minute penis expedition. My fingers work just fine. It's not worth it anymore and I am tired of allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

CHILE PLEASE- Crawl back into that hole you came out of before I call the goddamn exterminator..

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Story of BlackMon: Part 1-A Teenage Love

So i've referred to him in a few posts. I guess I started this blog to get some things off my bra strap about him so this is great self-therapy for me.

For those of you haven't read, Blackmon is my ex-boyfriend. We were together on and off for 8years (From 1999 up until April of this year). He was my highschool sweetheart, first kiss, virginity taker, dickmatizer, and heartbreaker. My first love. I've been through so much with him it's hard to find a starting point so i'll just start from the beginning:

We met the 1st day of school in homeroom. I was late and he was the first person I noticed. He was the cutest most chocolaty thing I had ever laid my 14 year old eyes on. He looked like a mini Tyson Beckford minus all the muscles and tattoos. Not the most confident teenager and definitely shy as all hell I didn't know how to approach him so I did what most girls would do: I pretended to hate him.

We had the same lunch and when my girlfriends would talk about how cute BlackMon was I would die a little inside. In homeroom I would sit in front of him and raise my hand for the teacher to get his attention; during gym I would give him the finger and make smartass comments; at lunch time I would sit where I could see him; and at night I would fantasize about him. I was in full crush mode. At the end of the school year he finally asked for my number but at the time I didn't have a phone so I took his number instead and called him that weekend. From that point on we exhibited typical teenage behavior: talking on the phone for hours, kissing, making up excuses to visit my aunt because he lived in her town. We were together and my teenage existence couldn't be any better.

>>>Fastforward 2 years
All this puppy love we were having and I still waited to have sex with him. I wasn't ready. I may have been a little gullible but not gullible enough to do what the hell everyone else was doing. School was my priority and sex wasn't on my list of things "to do" (pun intended) so I put it off until I felt like I was ready. Needless to say BlackMon wasn't happy and we broke up once or twice. The summer before senior year he went away to basic training for the military and when he came back his body was amazing and all those 'baby no-no-no's' went out the window. We started having sex regularly and my oh my how things changed. And not for the better.

CHILE PLEASE- A nigga's warm blood must drain out with his semen because they get colder by the orgasm..

Monday, December 24, 2007

Ex boyfriend drama..

Last night I awoke to the sound of my text messages going off. I thought I was dreaming when I saw the sender: BlackMon, my ex boyfriend of 8 years whom I have not spoken to since early April of this year. The text message read, and I quote "Let me fuck."

WTF right? Surprisingly I wasn't shocked because this was him for the last 5 years. He likes to get a rise out of me every now and then when I least expect it. I haven't given you all the back story but ya see; BlackMon is a disrespectful waste of human DNA and if his mother would've digested him the world would be A-Ok with that. I think I was more annoyed that he still kept my number after all this time. Replying wasn't an option so I deleted that shit with the quickness. Now if he would just do the same with my number we'd would be getting somewhere.

CHILE PLEASE- Don't call me no mo' and don't TEXT me no mo! Cause i'm thru witcha ass!!!-

Sunday, December 23, 2007

To sex or not to sex?

So I just had a long talk with my close cousin FunnyGirl about what we usually talk about (mens!) and after having a pregnancy scare (she's not, holla jeebus!) the conclusion is that she wants to become a "born-again virgin." Now why I don't particularly like that term, after dealing with my man drama I definitely understand where she's coming from. Not that I would become a nun or anything but sex isn't everything(well it's important). I can count on one hand how many guys i've had sex with and more than half of them weren't worth it. Ladies you remember back in highschool and the early college years where you gave the goodies away just as long as the nigga said "Please" and "Thank You." But I digress, and spare you my 'niggasaintshit' argument because the fact of the matter is: I don't regret any one of them because at that moment it was exactly what I wanted.

Now you (the lovely reader) is probably asking yourself: So what the fuck are you complaining about?

Well, here's what perturbs me. And I know theres females out here who feel like this:

You go out with a guy you really like and you want to take things slow. Initially, you have no intentions on making sexy-time with him, but somehow you end up starting at his ceiling by the end of the night; mad at yourself OR feeling like a straight 'aitch-o-eee.' The times this has happened to me I blamed it on myself. "Sex isn't that big of a deal...So what if I let him get a few pumps and a grind in. I'll forget all about it tomorrow." After it was all said and done you feel taken advantage of--raped in a sense. You're disappointed in yourself, which in most cases is even more worse than the physical act.

Well your lovely one is sick and tired of feeling this way. Don't get me wrong, I l-o-v-e sex but when it's right it's right, and when it's's really wrong. And at this point in my life i'm not looking for casual sex anymore because the shit is just old and tired like the bags under Oprah's eyes. At this point i'm keeping my eye open for husbandly traits. Good dick is good but a man who cooks me breakfast afterwards is great.

Listen--your girl is not becoming a "born-again virgin." Instead your lovely one is going to listen to her heart and not feel like she owes a man something just because he's a man.

And this is coming from the girl who just admitted that she was thinking about stripping just a week ago..riiiiight.

CHILE PLEASE- I'm not perfect..just a beautiful work in progress.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Stripper Thoughts...

As a college student who doesn't have a rich mommy and daddy to foot the bill for my education i'm often broke. I recently quit my job to focus on my education and it's been a huge sacrifice for me. All I ever have money for is expensive ass gas for my jalopy and the occasional fast food indulgence. And as a self recognized fashion addict this is ree-dick-que-luss, unfabulous and just not right. It's not just the lack of shoes and clothes thats got me pissed: It's the hesitation in my voice when my classmates asks me to come out to party; the not not going out to clubs or on dates because I don't have enough cash (mom always said to make sure you have cash on a date cause 'you never know how a nigga is gonna act up') and the just not having money Period. Sure, I have family and friends who would pick up the tab but dammit I have a lot of pride and I don't like to feel dependent on others or like I owe someone something. So as I joked about 'shaking my ass for cash' to a few of my classmates, one girl proudly blurted she was a stripper at an upscale club (yea it's an oxymoron but you won't catch me pole dancing next to Ronnie Hoe in the Players Club) and made tons of money doing it. Freaky girl said she would take me out to the club to see what was up. Hmmmmmmmm.

The semester is now over but needless to say my social life is shittier than a toddler with diarrhea and i'm broker than Gary Coleman. I know that every woman thinks about stripping beyond the bedroom but is just too punk ass to act on it (including myself). But upon second thought....Your loveliness just may not be that punk ass. Lets see..

  1. I'm far from conceited but could be if I wanted
  2. I have a great body at .74 hip/waste ratio (yea a chick is tiny)
  3. Men like all types of shapes and sizes
  4. I can rock the most neck-breakingist (yea I made that word up) heels without flinching
  5. Fuck what people think
  6. I need the money
So why not? Lets weigh the options:

  1. What would my mom think? (Mom is not just "regular people")
  2. 90% of these girls are slimier than the vagina they slid out of
  3. What if I become dependent on the money?
  4. What if my old boss or one of my classmates come in?
  5. The "beautiful black queen" argument
  6. I'm just a punk like the rest of you dreamy bitches lol
So there you have it. The verdict is up in the air. Ya girl is tempted. I've even been practicing a tryout routine to The Dream-Falsetto and lets just say I would have that new Coach bag your boyfriend was supposed to get you for Christmas in my little pink thong. This could be some great gossip I tell my female grandchildren one day or just another listless fantasy. I still have Freaky girl's number. Will I use it? Maybe...

Chile Please- We got to use what we got to get what we want! But at what co$t???

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Encounter..

Sooo remember me saying that SexyJamaican (SJ) went away and pretty much gave me the Fade-away. I chaulked it up to him being busy with school (as was I) so I really wasn't mad per se, just terribly disappointed since he was the first guy I was genuinely feeling since the breakup with BlackMon(his story soon). I also fell off with communication and stopped calling SJ(trust me I checked his myspace page religiously *blush*). Anyway, I talked to him here and there and we've seen each other about 3 times since he's left(he's only 45 minutes away). Well, since the semester is coming to a close and social lives are making a comeback I've been getting calls from non other thaaannn--you guessed it.

NOW ya girl thought she had this ice box where her heart used to be but for some strange reason or another I felt like a giddy school girl when he called me to come over last Friday. Never realizing how much i'd missed him, I felt like my heart was gonna jump out my throat while my uterus was simultaneously doing the harlem shake. I had to calm myself down while I glammed it up so quick that I should be the one beating the lacefront off Naomi Campbell with my cell. I was too fierce:

  1. Tight shirt- ✓
  2. Jeans that show off my booty-✓
  3. Jet black fuck-me boots-✓
10 minutes later I was out the door...

When I got there he noticed my fierceness and told me so. Seemed like we picked up right where we left off as we chatted about school, our future..etc etc. I love the fact that he's so adamant about his education and it makes him a million times more attractive to me. There's not too many black men out there who are future-oriented. Then he asked me a question that caught me off-guard..with a sad look on his face he say's "Why don't you call me anymore?" I did the annoying thing most females would do and asked him the same question. He said he was busy with school (which I believe) and I told him the same. The truth is I didn't want to get my feelings hurt. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't like rejection. Never did and never will, so I avoid it.

Eventually we ended up in his room watching t.v. (more like my body was the t.v. hahaha)

**Note-Your girl hasn't had sex since SJ left back in late August so I was beyond horny and his ass was gonna get taken advantage of whether he liked it or not. Which he did :).

He and his largeness proceeded to remind me of why I was sprung off him in the first place. I tried to contain my composure but all that shit went out the window once he started un-zipping my jeans. I wanted him so bad and he must have knew it because he made my coochie mad at me for waiting so long. Afterward we just lay there and caught our breathe.

Sorry about my lack of Zane-ness but you get my drift. The man is dope and I wanna smoke him every day.

CHILE PLEASE--I think i'm falling for him again...

Monday, December 10, 2007

I have been a bad girl..

A very naughty girl...I had an *ahem* encounter with SexyJamaican recently. I am on auto pilot right now. Elaborations later after I calm my nevrves<--see the man has me misspelling words. I will explain later my lovelies.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Sweet Goofy Guy

Ok. So as you might figure I always pretty much go for the jerks. In my defense I will say that the jerks aren't always jerks in the beginning. I get the gentlemanly jerks..yea-those. Nevertheless they end up jerks. But I digress..Here is my Sweet Goofy Guy story:

Now this guy I met at the same party I met SexyJamaican. SMH, I knoooow what you're thinking, but hey what can I say..I'm a friendly gal, and the party was pretty much a sausage fest AND your loveliness was pretty much the flyest thing that ever walked in 3 inch yellow platforms! Anyway he was there with his crew (I told you-a sausage fest). But he wasn't the typical "Myniggasdontdancewejustpullupourpants" typa fellow. He was dancing and actually having a good time (guys who can dance are so cute to me). I was walking around trying not to fall or spill my apple martini cause that drink was oh so expensive. So he comes over while i'm standing in the corner and starts up a conversation (this was before I even laid eyes on SexyJamaican). We talk, he cracks a few jokes and is actually very funny. We exchange numbers and I never like to get held up for too long so I politely end the conversation and walk away...where I subsequently get my groove back.

>>Fastforward 1 month later
We go to the movies. No big deal right??At this point I was seeing SexyJamaican heavy but we weren't official. Me and SGG had only talked on the phone a few times prior and this was the first time i'd seen him since the party. Anyway it was awkward to say the least. His sense of humor was great but after awhile it just got annoying. He kept making silly jokes and I could sense he was nervous. I felt like I was on a date with my best friend's little brother. In the theater I actually like to watch the movie. BUT seeing as though every 2 minutes SGG was grabbing my hand with his sweaty palm I couldn't even get into it. He kept grabbing my face and stroking my hair with his sweaty hands that smelt like post masturbation and popcorn butter. Then, as i'm finally getting into the movie he pulls out tube of fucking Binaca and proceeded to kiss me with the most awkward lip movement EVAR. Ummmm.NO. I gave him a peck sans vomit but no tongue action. Then on top of that his phone rings and picks it up! Ugh. Embarrassment. All the while i'm hoping for the movie to be over so I could go scrub my face with a rag soaked in ammonia and gargle with a gallon of bleach. Worst date in the history of worst dates! I don't even remember what movie we saw. I guess the trauma of my hell date repressed the memories. I never saw him again after that. He would try to set up subsequent meetings but my clever self always made up some lame excuse as to why I couldn't see him. He'll be ok. I hope.

Chile Please--No more SGGs for me.I'll stick with my Eddie Winslows from now on.